The Bishops Advisory Panel...

Well, I got home from the BAP last night and have only just about come to my senses (quite how I managed to work for 4-and-a-half hours this morning I do not know...) It was intense, bizarre, surreal, enjoyable, enlightening, hilarious... I could go on.

So here's what has happened to me over the last few days;

Tuesday

10:55: BAP time has arrived! I leap on a train at St David's Station and talk to the Nice Old Lady sitting next to me as we wend our way through the rolling countryside.
13:30: Now englightened about city gardening, and the Old Lady englightened about what a BAP is, I leap off the train at Birmingham and eat an overpriced sandwich.
14:32: I leap on another train.
15:46: I leap off the train at Sheffield, my legs tired from the leaping. I procure a taxi.
16.15: I arrive at Whirlow Grange conference centre and am led to my room. I am given a card which arrived in the post this morning from my DDO, which is very thoughtful indeed.
16.30: I tentatively emerge from my room and find the other candidates. I join them in making awkward conversation "what's your name?", "where are you from?" and "oh, does that take long by train?" are my favourite questions.
17:00: The BAP begins with a 'getting to know you' session in which I get to know the others in my group a bit better and they get to know me. There are two groups of 8 of us with 3 Assessors overseeing each group.
18:00: We are led into what appears to be an exam room in which we complete the 'Personal Inventory' (30 impossible questions in 40 minutes...) They want our first reactions so we have to write fast!
19:00: Dinner time. Melon, pork and pavlova.
20:00: After dinner the pastoral letter is handed out. It is a letter from a fictional couple called David and Gill who are having a spot of bother with their daughter. I have the rest of the panel to write a reply, and I think I will need it!
21:00: We all go up to the chapel for evening prayer, and I feel quite peaceful for the first time today.
21:30: I drink wine with the other candidates and suddenly everything feels more relaxed...


Wednesday

06:15: I wake up in a cold sweat having had a terrible dream that someone else has done the same presentation as me. After I've got dressed I go outside and pace around the pretty garden for a bit practising my presentation.
07:30: Eucharist. I feel somehow grounded.
08.00: Breakfast. Continental and cooked options. (I go for continental.)
08.45: The presentations. The chairs are in a semi circle and there is a playing card face down on each chair. I think I will be ok as long as I don't have to go last... and then turn over the playing card with a number '8' on it. I try to find a way of seeing this positively. The presentations are fantastic, as diverse as the bunch of people presenting them. Topics range from Prayer to the Christian Bikers, from Street Pastors to whether we should change the date of Easter. Finally, my presentation comes around and it seems to go well. People seem interested and it generates some discussion. I think I chair it ok, and manage to find something to say in my 2 minute summing up at the end of the discussion. I heave a sigh of relief!
13:00: Lunch buffet, followed by cheesecake. I am starting to feel fat.
14:00: My first interview. The interviews are split into three categories: Vocational, Pastoral and Educational, with a different assesor for each. I have been told that Vocational is the most important one, and this is my first one, so I feel rather tense as I go in. The interviewer is fantastic: she puts me at my ease and asks well-thought-out questions. I go out buzzing.
15:00: I go for a walk and admire the sights and sounds of Whirlow.
17:00: My second interview. Pastoral. After my earlier one I am not worried at all, but this one doesn't go quite so well. I find it hard to know what he is asking of me.
18:00: I sit and chat with the other candidates, all of whom have had at least one interview. Even though we have known each other for barely more than 24 hours we are starting to click really well. We are varied in age, location, personality, churchmanship and pretty much every other category you can think of, but I am inspired by the fact we all want to be ordained.
19:00: Dinner. Prawn Cocktail, Chicken, Lemon Roulade. I vow to eat salads all next week.
20:00: More chatting.
20:30: I go for a short 'interview' with the Panel Secretary. She's not actually involved in selecting us, but wants to meet with us all separately to check that we have a training plan. I explain to her why I would like to study at Cuddesdon.
21:00: Evening prayer, and this time it's BCP.
21:30: We play a Champions League game of UNO, which just about finishes everyone off!


Thursday

06.45: I wake up feeling much more refreshed and am eager to make the most of my last day here.
07:30: Eucharist, in the chapel again. On the way up I note with surprise we have now become a polling station.
08.00: Breakfast. I opt for continental over cooked again (go me!)
08.30: After breakfast I trot back to my room, determined to work on David and Gill. It's a much harder pastoral letter than any of the examples I was given in preparation for this (I'm not sure I'm allowed to explain why, they re-use them and we're supposed to keep them a secret!) It's also strange handwriting a letter, which I haven't done for years. Many of my fellow candidates have brought laptops, and I wonder if I ought to have done so too. I finish draft 2 before switching to swotting for my final interview.
11:00: My Education interview. The lady seems jolly and laughs at my jokes, but is very on-the-ball with her questioning. I feel it goes well and thank God she didn't ask me about theories of the atonement!
11:45: I should be working on draft 3 of David and Gill but I'm back nattering with the other candidates. They are all so lovely and so interesting, I start to really hope they all get through.
13:00: Buffet lunch followed by lemon tart.
13:30: Right! David and Gill here I come! I reread draft 2 and make some changes, then write my final letter in my neatest handwriting. You can't have all the answers when the problem is so messy, but I am pleased with what I have written. I pack my bags.
15:00: We hand in our pastoral letters and are given a final briefing in which the Panel Secretary describes what will happen next. The Assessors will write reports on us all overnight, and tomorrow morning they will decide which of us will be recommended, and which will not. The reports will go to London for typing which will take about 5 working days and will then be posted to our Bishops, who write to us and let us know. The DDO has told me that Monday 16th or Tuesday 17th are the most likely dates the letter will drop on my doormat.
15:15: Closing worship. The Leader reads the poem 'Kneeling' by R. S. Thomas which I have copied below. I am rather moved.
15:45: The taxi arrives and we head off to Sheffield Station. Four of us have a coffee and reflect on the panel, and, given that I started thinking about this more than a year ago, it feels weird it is all over.
16:57: I leap on the train. Luckily, one of the other candidates is catching the same train to Torquay, so we chat all the way home.

I told Mr A all this last night over an Indian. When I had finished he asked, "so, do you have a gut feeling about what the result will be?" Honestly - no. I feel I was 'myself' there, and I am confident that the Assessors are very wise, so whatever the result I know it will be the right one. And the wait begins...

Kneeling (R. S. Thomas)

Moments of great calm

Kneeling before an altar

Of wood in a stone church

In summer, waiting for the God  

To speak; the air a staircase  

For silence; the sun’s light  

Ringing me, as though I acted  

A great rôle. And the audiences  

Still; all that close throng

Of spirits waiting, as I,

For the message.

Prompt me, God;

But not yet. When I speak,  

Though it be you who speak  

Through me, something is lost.  

The meaning is in the waiting.